The All-Ugly Baseball Team

We weren’t all born as beautiful as Gabe Kapler. But we were born better looking than the ugly ones, so we can get a little happiness from the downward social comparison that is picking the All Ugly Team.

Also, let’s be clear. Your faithful correspondent is placing himself as the bench coach of this team. Ugly enough to belong, but not ugly enough to lead the team. Plus, we know that God Loves Ugly, so there’s that. And! I’ve never played a second of organized ball for a dime, so they have all got something on me, and most of you I presume.

But we can still have a little fun with this, can’t we?

Patron Saint — Don Mossi

Don Mossi won 101 games and saved 50 so he doesn’t care what you think.

Manager — Ron Washington

Grandpa looks kinda surly even when he’s happy, doesn’t he.

Bench Coach — Eno Sarris

Whoah, buddy.

Hitting Coach — Jeff Blauser

This picture does not do him justice.

Pitching Coach — Randy Johnson

Perhaps the godfather of this entire venture, The Big Unit provides a road map for less-than-beautiful aces to inspire fear.

Bullpen Coach — Julian Tavarez

Was this before or after that big fight he had. With the ugly stick. That he lost.

First Base Coach — Otis Nixon

This picture means something. This picture means that Otis Nixon was born this way, he didn’t have this beaten into him by age or extracurricular activities.

Ace — Alexi Ogando

Actually, Ogando sorta looks like royalty… or royalty’s red-headed stepchild. Also, he’s tweeting mmplops right now. (Or maybe a less pretty Bernie Williams?)

#2 — Edinson Volquez

Dreads are sweet. Hats are sweet. Dreads in hats are not so sweet.

#3 — A.J. Burnett

AJ Burnett looks like a bird took a dump on Randy Johnson.

#4 — John Lackey

Yeah, I’m pretty sure this guy gave me my coffee this morning at Dunkin.

#5 — Bartolo Colon

This is not just about girth, I promise you.

Closer — Matt Capps

I have a disappearing chin problem too. It gives me no pleasure to report on this.

Reliever — David Weathers

David Weathers could have begat Matt Capps.

Swingman — Vicente Padilla

Google Nien Nunb from Star Wars. No? Okay, I’m a dick.

That’s the coaching staff and the pitching staff. Next week we’ll hit up the position players. They are surprisingly better looking.

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With a phone full of pictures of pitchers' fingers, strange beers, and his two toddler sons, Eno Sarris can be found at the ballpark or a brewery most days. Read him here, writing about the A's or Giants at The Athletic, or about beer at October. Follow him on Twitter @enosarris if you can handle the sandwiches and inanity.

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No Freddie Freeman?

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Matt Defalco

“Next week we’ll hit up the position players. They are surprisingly better looking”


I’m so stupid.