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The Damn You Auto Correct All-Stars

Like most of you, I strongly believe that nicknames can never be too many nor too frivolous. Also, like you, I believe that many if not most of the kabbalistic secrets of creation were uncovered by Steve Jobs and are continually and carefully dispensed from Cupertino for the good of all humanity. Therefore, I’ve just spent longer than I care to admit thumbing the name of every qualifying ballplayer into an iPod Touch, and being gently yet firmly enlightened about what each man’s parents or forebears really meant for him to be called.

There has been a first cut. Some names were simply too searingly revelatory; I chose to shield your eyes. Now, I need your help in paring this down to a manageable roster. Which of these will stick? How much truth can we handle?


Matt “Widgets” Wieters
Jhonny “Perspex” Peralta
Miguel “Mongrel” Montero
Erick “At At” Aybar
Jason “Jetways” Heyward
Mike “Scolds” Aviles
Michael “Currier” Cuddyer
Jeff “Fran Prut” Francoeur
Casey “Coachman” Kotchman
Torii “Tirol” Hunter
James “Liner” Loney
Alcides “Al Idea” Escobar
David “Demeans” DeJesus
Ryan “Ludic” Ludwick
Hideki “Marduk” Matsui
Kosuke “Joshua” Fukudome

Starting Pitchers

Doug “Duster” Fister
Alexi “PGA Do” Ogando
Gio “GOP” Gonzalez
Mark “Bushels” Buehrle
Mat “Altos” Latos
Kyle “Louse” Lohse
Ryan “Dumpster” Dempster
Ryan “Vice Song” Vogelsong
Luke “Hi He At” Hochevar

Relief Pitchers

Matt “Belisha” Belisle
Jonathan “Lapel On” Papelbon
Steve “Cudgel” Cishek
Joakim “Doris” Soria
Carlos “Marmot” Marmol
Mark “Melanin” Melancon
Alfredo “Ace E’s” Aceves
Antonio “Castaway” Bastardo
Santiago “Casinos” Casilla
Jose “Betas” Veras
Matt “FireWire” Guerrier
Hisanori “Raja Ashy” Takahashi
Jeremy “Afield” Affeldt
Frank “Here Ann” Herrmann
Chad “Qualms” Qualls
Daniel “Schleswig” Schlereth