Things Jarrod Saltalamacchia Is Maybe Saying

I’m only stating the obvious, reader, when I state that NotGraphs, despite the relative brevity of its existence, has already become an industry leader. “In what ‘industry,’ exactly?” is maybe what you’re asking when you read that. Well, that’s a tough question with a number of really technical answers. Still, it’s a true and unavoidable fact.

One quality we here at NotGraphs have demonstrated over and again is our ability to know what people are thinking and doing at any given moment. Thanks to the efforts of our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team, we recently revealed the exact thoughts certain members of the 1978 Philadelphia Phillies were thinking at the exact moment said team’s photo was snapped.

In what follows, we provide — via the most rigorous and modern techniques available — the five things Red Sox catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia was most likely saying to pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka on Monday night, as the latter waited to be removed from the game by manager Terry Francona following a dismal performance against the Rays.

Regard, quotes:

• Buddy is going to the farm, Dice-K. It’s just not the type of farm you can visit.

• I think we’re alone now (alone now). / There doesn’t seem to be anyone a-rou-ound.

• Just rub some olive oil on it. That’s what we Saltalamacchias have always done.

• Why’d I put all this Wite-Out on my effing fingers if you were just gonna throw the same pitch every time, dude? Seriously, look at it from my perspective: this stuff’s, like, impossible to clean off.

• That’s not the only thing that ends in a vowel, if you know what I mean.



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Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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Matt Collins
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Lol. It was Monday night though, not Sunday.