Things That Are Giant Besides the Baseball Team

By means of his 2002 novel, author Chris Bachelder settled for once and all the very important debate over who, “given a relatively level playing field — i.e., water deep enough so that a shark could maneuver proficiently but shallow enough so that a bear could stand and operate with its characteristic dexterity — who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark.”

Very much in the spirit of that question, the author asked himself another, similar one — just to himself, like — this morning: “given a relatively playing field, etc., who would win in a fight between a tiger and giant (i.e. the mascots of the teams in the forthcoming World Series)?”

One begins, of course, by wondering, “Carson, do you really use parentheses in your own thoughts?” To which I respond: “Sometimes almost exclusively.”

After that, one continues wondering: “Indeed, who actually would win in a fight between a tiger and giant?”

To answer this second question (i.e. regarding a tiger versus a giant and who would win in a Mortal Kombat-type scnenario) the author was required to settle what, precisely, one might mean by giant — and was required, therefore, to conduct a Google image search.

Shocking, awful, on the computer: the aforementioned Google search produced results that were all three. And more. Like harrowing, for one. And shocking again, for another — because it’s not like the author is a human fucking thesaurus for chrissakes.

Just as one, having sipped curdled milk from the container, immediately demands that his wife drinks from said container — so’s to share in the misery, like — the author now presents three of the deformed fruits of his (extraordinarily brief) labor.

Giant Rabbit

According to a Washington Post article from 2007, this is a real rabbit — part of a breed known as the German gray giant — raised by Karl Szmolinsky (pictured) in the eastern part of that country. The precise specimen depicted here is 23 pounds. It was sold, along with others, to North Korea for research purposes. Or maybe also for a dinner banquet for the late supreme leader Kim Jong-il. It’s unclear.

The Cerne Abbas Giant

The Cerne Abbas Giant is, per Wikipedia, “a hill figure near the village of Cerne Abbas in Dorset, England.” Its origins are veiled in mystery; the precise location of its gentleman’s phallus is less so.

Giant Eyeball

This eyeball, approximately the size of a softball, was actually found just last week on a beach in Florida, according to NBC News. While some believe it might belong to a hitherto undiscovered form of marine life, scientists are also considering the possibility that it was lost by a particularly doe-eyed coed during a spring-break accident earlier in 2012.

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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.

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Wow, I thought I was the only person who read that book.