Vague Announcer Brings You The Play-By-Play


“…and welcome back to the, uh, next half of an inning here at the stadium this, uh, time of day, where both teams are trying their best to score some runs. Stepping up to the plate, there’s a number on his jersey, and, uh, hold on a second here… oh, wait, he’s not there anymore. Checking his number, and he just did something, and so now we move on to the next player, who’s definitely been up already in this game. He steps in, having quite a season so far, and the pitch is, yep, just as I expected. Here comes the next one, and it’s hit to the… yeah, he’s on a base now, definitely on a base. Before the game, he said he was going to try to do everything he could to help his team win, and he’s absolutely doing that. Just like he’s done his entire career. You know, he’s been talking a lot about this team’s chances, and told me before the game that when all is said and done, he thinks this team is going to have been one of the teams on which he’s played. Strong words from a proven member of the team’s roster. And now he’s on base– and we all know that when he’s on base, anything can happen, especially things involving baserunners. All of this brings us to today’s trivia question, sponsored by the friendly folks at one of our favorite sponsors. Who did… three times? I think I know the answer, and my producer is telling me… yes, I’ve got it. Maybe you do too. Noodle on that for a little while and we’ll get back to it in the top of the inning, if there are any innings left to go. And the guy standing at the plate takes that one, and does what he’s supposed to do next. Bringing the other guy to the plate, and he has had quite a series, both at the plate and in the field. He’s living up to everything we expected him to be, and shows no signs of doing anything but what he’s able to do. A real treat to watch this portion of his career. And… someone’s doing something, so that means we’ll take a quick break. Back next inning with a guy wearing a microphone, who will tell you all about what it’s like to be on that field, and take part in the exciting action. One team’s winning, or at least they will be by the time the game is over. We’ll be right back.”

Print This Post

Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

newest oldest most voted

He inadvertantly revealed it was the bottom of the inning about 2/3 of the way through this soliloquy.


Actually he referred to it as the bottom of the inning right at the beginning when he said “next half” … it can’t be the next half of an inning if it’s not the bottom of that inning.