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White Guys Hit RBIs

Our intrepid translator of all matters Japanese baseball, Gen Sueyoshi, passes along this bit of news: The Hanshin Tigers GM — Katsuhiro Nakamura — knows they need a few whites guys if they want to slap any RBIs this coming season:

GM Katsuhiro Nakamura is hoping [Brooks Conrad] will be able to drive in anywhere between ninety and a hundred runs. Source: Sanspo 11/26/2012

Said Nakamura, via Nikkan Sports, “I think [Conrad] understands as well as anyone that we are in need of power. I do not want to put too much pressure on him, but what we need are RBIs. I think foreign players are for RBIs. Ninety to one hundred RBIs. And to get there, home runs are also needed.”

(Emphasis NotGraphs’)

There are non-white foreign players, you say? Well here’s a look at the Tigers’ current outlay of foreign talent:

A fine array Caucasian RBI men and white pitchers who just know. How. To win.

In the MLB, we have applauded managers such as Tony LaRussa and Joe Maddon for breaking the mold and batting pitchers eigth and first basemen first, but no American or Canadian manager has yet had the courage to set his lineup according to the natural order of Race. So applause for Mr. Nakamura, who looks at the onslaught of progress in it’s blustery face, and then yells it into a corner using antiquated slurs that no one really understands anymore, but that sound really nasty just because of the vowels and consonants involved.

And who better to hit RBIs than Mr. 33-year-old 81 wRC+ Brooks Conrad? I honestly cannot think of a single person on earth, or perhaps unemployed presently in North America, that could do better.

Seriously though, white people are the worst.

This has been your soul-crushing racism awareness post for the day.