The Pujols Awards: Week 22

A little news on The Pujols Awards: There will be a year-end awards show that will be part of our popular Fall Annual. Sometime around early August, I will be culling candidates based on numbers of nominations for the 2008 winners of The Albert, The Luis, and The Manny Being Manny awards. Any who were awarded either “The Bud” or “The Samson” automatically qualify for the final round.

I will ask you folks to vote for the most deserving in each category and to write why they deserve the year end award. The best submissions will be part of the Annual chapter dealing with the year-end awards and fully credited to either you or your blog and you can have your name forever inscribed in the annals of THT.

The Alberts

David Samson (Submitted by The Progenitor of Severe Gluteal Discomfort)

Well, I guess this may have inspired a double take or two (thousand). We all know the story of a man who suddenly finds himself with tremendous powers and must make the decision whether to use them for good or for evil. The cosmic forces bestowed amazing phallucranial powers on Mr. Samson, and he gets an Albert for using them for good.

Here’s the reason :

The next item in the Make-A-Wish Foundation auction was a weekend with the Florida Marlins in New York. Fly on the team plane. Room in the team hotel. Sit in box seats for a three-game series against the Mets. Nice package, but bids were coming in like slow rollers to shortstop. David Samson didn’t look happy. … (He) grabbed the microphone.

“What are you, a bunch of fools?” he yelled at the audience.

The room grew silent. Samson continued.

“You know if you come to a charity event, you’re going to spend money.”

Several chuckles, and another Samson explosion:

“C’mon, people. It’s for charity!”

Five hundred dollars, a woman shouted.

“Finally, someone who realizes she’s here to part with her money,” Samson responded.

Then, another hundred was offered, immediately followed by more bids.

Samson raised the stakes, personally tossing in tickets to a Broadway show, dinner for two at any restaurant in the Big Apple, tickets to a Marlins home game, including the parking space where Samson pulls in his Porsche 911 Carrera, and a game-worn jersey signed by pitcher Dontrelle Willis. … Norman Wedderburn, president of the Make-a-Wish Foundation of South Florida, remembered the scene, how Samson helped raise more than $5,000 with that one package.

“He got the crowd in this spirit of gift-giving.”

Credit where it’s due and all that—he got an auction for the Make-A-Wish foundation rolling by being blunt—that gets him an Albert.

Marvin Miller (Submitted by Paul T., possibly the only Blue Jays fan in Cataluña Spain)

Miller gets his second Albert nod for telling the powers that be related to the baseball Hall of Fame where they can take their “honour.” One thing that folks forget is that Bowie Kuhn (recently elected) is a big reason the MLBPA took such a hard stand against drug testing. Kuhn repeatedly poisoned the well by levying fines and suspensions on players for drug violations without so much as a hearing and getting the player’s side of the story or waiting for a judicial ruling regarding guilt. It was his ruling by fiat rather than allowing a degree of due process that hardened the players’ side on this issue.

But I digress.

To honour Kuhn and not Miller demonstrated to the old warhorse that the honour simply isn’t worth having in the first place. Many in the game whine and complain for years while lobbying for their election—Miller simply told them where to stick it.

The Luis

Joe Girardi (Submitted by Eric Schmutter)

On Saturday night, the Yankees were playing the Twins in extra innings, a game they ended up winning in the 12th. However, in the bottom of the 11th, with two outs and a runner at third, Joe Girardi decided to intentionally walk someone to get to Carlos Gomez, who, fortunately, struck out. Who was this intentionally walked individual? Joe Mauer? Justin Morneau? Jason Kubel? Nope. It was: NICK effin’ PUNTO!!

Manny being Manny

Mariah Carey (Submitted by eTrueSports’ Frank Coffey)

Despairing any chance of getting tagged at second again by Derek Jeter, the erstwhile mental case Mariah Carey threw out the first pitch at a game in Tokyo in an outfit that could be described as being almost dressed. Unlike tantrums and hissy fits, her ability to throw a baseball needs considerable work—at any rate, she won’t be turning two with the Yankee shortstop any time soon. Why did she do it? I can only surmise that she thought she heard “Wow—what a pitch” so many times that she decided to let folks know what a classic pitch looked like.

Folks in the stands were overheard apologizing profusely for Pearl Harbour and to please stop inflicting suffering on Japanese soil.

The Samsons

The City of Detroit (Submitted by The Progenitor of Severe Gluteal Discomfort)

For preparing to tear down Tiger Stadium when it could’ve been saved. I’m not going into a whole lot of detail here because if I called them what they were, THT would be shut down by the FCC. I’ve discussed the machinations put in place to raze Tiger Stadium here…

A More Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy
Michigan And Trouble
Risky Business

…and all I can say is that to be an elected official in Detroit is to become one of Mike Ilitch’s eager little corporate whores. Make no mistake—they can elect whomever they want to any office in that city, but it is Ilitch’s little fiefdom and the politicians are his aphrodisiac addled harem … always ready for another vigorous screwing. It’s even physically possible because even the male politicos have no balls.


For short-sightedness, small thinking, diminutive moral standing, undersized intellectual capacity, stunted mental and emotional development and having stooped so low that they got their nose hairs caught in their own fly and imprinted YKK on the skin between their nostrils, I award Detroit politicians “The Samson.” One of our friendly representatives has been dispatched wearing steel-toed boots to give you your just reward. To confirm its receipt, he’ll be imprinting YKK on the steel toe.

If you have a nomination for the “The Pujols Award,” let us know! who deserves to be honored this week. If you wish to have your blog credited with the submission, we’ll post the link along with your candidate. Let us know why you feel he deserves an Albert, Luis, “Manny Being Manny” or “The Samson.”

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