Tone Deaf

O.K., O.K., it’s the lull before pitchers and catchers report and my brain is mush (or mushier than usual). My computer is in the shop and I’m doing this in a locale that could be charitably described as a bunker.

All in all, if you’re expecting something in depth you’d best hit the key with the <-- symbol on it. In the interest of full disclosure (and also that you’ll treat my column with the dignity it won’t deserve), I live out in the boonies and I’m still getting caught up on the latest and guess what? There ain’t much unless you want to talk about A-Rod or Barry Bonds—which is what folks are writing about since they’ve got nothing to write about, either.

However, for you music buffs, we have the upcoming Grammy Awards. There have been a number of baseball songs over the years: John Fogerty’s “Centerfield” and Bob Dylan’s “Catfish” as well as songs with references to the grand ol’ game such as Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson” and Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days.”

I couldn’t help but wonder what song titles might be subconsciously baseball related.

For example: “Always On My Mind” could be Barry Bonds singing in the mirror.


“You Can’t Always Get What You Want”: What the Red Sox told Scott Boras during the Matsuzaka negotiations.

“Hard Habit To Break”: The ballad of Steve Howe

“All Night Long: When John Gibbons warms up the bullpen.

“Great Balls Of Fire”: A song about the Indians @ Mariners game April 8, 1997 top of the eighth inning.

“Didn’t We Almost Have It All”: Matt Harrington’s ditty to making money playing baseball.

“RESPECT”: Gary Sheffield‘s ode to money.

“Ain’t Too Proud To Beg”: Sammy Sosa‘s offseason.

“Cover Me”: Vince Coleman serenades a tarp.

“I Believe I Can Fly”: Ken Hubbs‘* misconception.

“Summer Of 69”: Andruw Jones sings about his experiences at the Gold Club

A comparative study on an unwritten rule of baseball.

“Might As Well Get Juiced”: Ballad of BALCO.

“Who’s Been Sleeping Here”: Kris serenades Anna.

“Problem Child”: MP3 on the Devil Rays minor league chain.

“Brilliant Disguise”: Bobby Valentine‘s–managing the Mets.

“You Shook Me All Night Long”: Josh Towers vs. American League hitters last year.

“Carry On Wayward Son”: Bobby to Barry.

“With Or Without You”: Song about every bloody offseason that Manny remains on the Red Sox.

“Ramblin’ Man”: Curt Schilling and an unprotected microphone.

“Money For Nothing”: Dire & Dreifort?

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”: The saga of A-Rod.

“I Shot The Sheriff”: Kevin Malone gets fired from the Dodgers.

“Get Off Of My Cloud”: Jeff Weaver on a team flight.

“Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”: David Wells‘ first spring training workout…

“Whole Lot Of Shakin’ Going On”: …including wind sprints.

“Take The Money And Run”: Scott Boras’ No. 1 piece of advice to players.

“When Will I Be Loved”: A-Rod’s question to Yankee fans.

“I Want You To Want Me”: A-Rod’s plea to Yankee fans…

“Had It With You”: …and their reply.

“Paperback Writer”: Jose Canseco’s post-MLB career.

“Squeeze Box”: The strike zone of the 1990s.

“Hello, I Love You”: Juan Gonzalez’s typical marriage proposal.

“I Heard It Through The Grapevine”: Where Scott Boras comes up with his “mystery team” willing to sell its firstborn to sign his 51-year-old LOOGY client to a 10-year, $45 billion contract.

“Feels Like The First Time”: The 2004 and 2005 World Series.

“Under My Thumb”: The Greg Anderson/Barry Bonds friendship.

“We Gotta Get Out Of This Place”: First entry on Jeffrey Loria’s Christmas wish list.

“Trampled Under Foot”: MLB’s official policy towards the average fan.

“Have You Ever Seen the Rain”: Roberto Alomar’s question to John Hirshbeck circa 1996…

“Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”: …five seconds later.

“Fat Bottom Girls”: Mark Grace sings about slump-busting.

“Madman Across The Water”: The Seibu Lions’ opinion of Scott Boras.

“Should I Stay Or Should I Go?”: Alex Rodriguez ponders his “out” clause.

“Let It Bleed”: Dan Duquette’s guide to treating player injuries.

“Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong”: Gary Sheffield’s autobio-ballad.

“Can’t Buy Me Love”: What got Darryl Strawberry and Derek Bell in hot water…

“She Works Hard for the Money”: …and their explanation.

“I Fall To Pieces”: Medical reports on Juan Gonzalez, J.D. Drew and Ken Griffey Jr.

“I Should Have Known Better”: Tom Hicks after a free agent negotiation…

“Won’t Get Fooled Again”: …and his personal vow to himself…

“Held Up Without A Gun”: … and his epiphany.

“All the Small Things”: South Florida’s politicians opinion about what annoys them about their front office.

“That’ll Be The Day”: What South Florida routinely tells ‘All the Small Things’ that annoy them.

“Please Remember Me”: Tim Raines message to the BBWAA.

“Joy to the World”: Bud Selig’s resignation.

“Am I Blue”: A-Rod contemplates Chapstik.

“MMMBop”: What landed David Cone in hot water back in 1992. (He was just stretching his groin.) …

“The Greatest Love Of All”: …and his explanation.

“Gone Till November”: What A-Rod’s bat sings to him in early October.

“You Gotta Have Faith”: Why Bud Selig feels he needs your tax dollars more than your schools do.

“9 to 5”: The final score of a Josh Towers start in 2006.

“Something To Talk About”: What I really needed this week.

“19th Nervous Breakdown”: What my editor had after my nineteenth article.

“I Wanna Be Sedated”: What might have helped writing this column.

My sincerest apologies to all. You’ll have to wait until I get my system back online before you demand to get back the two minutes of your life spent reading this.

References & Resources
* I know there are more familiar (and recent) names to use with this gag with but folks get really upset about it. I guess it’s just part of being a Cub–nobody gets upset if you crash your plane.

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