All Your Prospect Questions, Answered

“Sure, he had a great year, but let’s see how he does somewhere other than the California League.”

“2014. Maybe.”

“If he can develop a third pitch, then he has ace potential, but if not, he’s a bullpen arm at best.”

“First base.”

“I saw him play three times last season, and still have no idea. His tools are obvious, but it’s a question of whether he can ever put it all together with any sort of consistency.”

“No, he was never indicted for it.”

“Obviously he’s blocked at the major league level, but what that does is give them flexibility so if they want to make a move, they know he’s ready to step right in and contribute.”

“34B.”

“Plate discipline is his number one weakness, without a doubt.”

“Sort of yellowish, and it burns a lot.”

“Fastball, curveball, changeup. In that order.”

“Three, but one never descended.”

“His career stolen base success rate is like 46%. Clearly something’s wrong there, and I don’t know if it’s a speed issue or a problem with his judgment, but the coaches need to address it.”

“Oxycodone and percocet.”

“I talked to a scout last week who said that if the draft were today, he would definitely go in the first round– so that should at least tell you something about one person’s opinion.”

“Only if they’re under sixteen.”

“Everyone in the organization says he’s coachable, and they’re going to fix it in spring training.”

“Look, just because there’s a video on YouTube doesn’t mean it actually happened. And even if it did, shouldn’t baseball be way past getting so worked up over something like that? People do it all the time, and if he wasn’t a professional baseball player, there’s no way the State Department would be involved.”

“He doesn’t have the glove to stay there.”

“I’m told it’s a nickname from high school, and it’s not meant to be taken literally.”

“The strikeouts are always going to be a problem, but the hope is that the power makes up for it.”

“For the last time, the batboy has completely recanted his story, the clubhouse attendant says he saw nothing, and the so-called evidence that they keep bringing up is circumstantial at best. And until someone comes forward with a more credible story, I think we should stick to talking about the reasons he was actually suspended and not these spurious Internet claims.”

“His bat will definitely play, it’s more a matter of finding the position where he’ll do the least damage.”

“Nope, not testosterone– estrogen, progesterone, and what seems like it was probably a half-developed fetus, although whether that was part of the injection or just something his body made itself is still sealed in the records. And on the re-test too, no question.”

“2014. Definitely.”




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


5 Responses to “All Your Prospect Questions, Answered”

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  1. nubillybaroo says:

    nice work.

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  2. Kris says:

    I keep hearing Angel Villalona comps because you just murdered it.

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  3. beachykeen says:

    “Sort of yellowish, and it burns a lot.” I really want to know the question to that.

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  4. Bryz says:

    I think I could add one. “It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.”

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  5. olethros says:

    “Three, but one never descended.” just made everyone in my office look at me.

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