Jobs In The MLB: AL Openings


Jobs, not to be confused with: Job, the Book of.

Presently, 1 out of every 10 Americans is looking for full-time employment; and, presumably, 5 out of every 10 NotGrapher is looking for full-time employment to prove to mom that, yes, I can indeed pay you the damn rent some way other than selling my Pokemon card collection one precious Charizard at a time.

Well, recent reports indicate one can actually make money from the sport of baseball without twirling balls or swinging sticks. To test this theory, we suggest any and all seeking-full-time-employment NotGraphers to consider the following job openings across the MLB:

Baltimore Orioles — Corporate Sales and Sponsorship Intern
Live in the Baltimore area? Tired of getting pushed around by Omar Little? Well, the Orioles have an internship that may just offer you a chance to rise up out of the gritty, realistic mire that is Baltimore Life.

From what we can glean from the internship description, the prospective intern will need to be a present student of not-unintelligent quality (3.0 GPA or higher) and available for full-time hours from February through May. Prior experience with a double-action Police-issued revolver not required.

***

Tampa Bay Rays — Marketing Intern; Part-Time Seasonal Ticket Huckster
Wanna work for Moneyball South? Well, you’re in luck: the Tampa Bay Rays are presently looking for a marketing and community relations intern, a full-time position beginning in January and lasting ’til/through June. One must imagine the position requires occasional grabbing of St. Pete residents’ shoulders while violently shaking them and screaming, “Why don’t you come to more games?!” (NOTE: More ire belongs to the TB politicians, not the fans, in this ‘umble author’s understanding.)

Whereas the internship promises long hours, little-to-no pay, and not even the glamour of being the bottom rung of the ladder, but rather the two bottom-most points on the ladder which one must thrust into the mud to ensure greater stability, the part-time, seasonal ticket sales job offers the escape-route of Time and the subtle pleasure of interacting directly with Southern Hospitality, which is at times akin to the sugary sweetness of Chick-Fil-A sweet tea.

The Punisher (2004) was set in the Tampa Bay area, but in lieu of making some Tampa Bay jokes based on said film, I kindly direct readers to the film itself, which offers the biggest of all laughs.

***

Chicago White Sox — Director of Public Relations
Odds are, readers of this sentence do not have 5 to 7 years of experience in public relations or communications, much less a history paid employ, frankly, at all. If by some random twist of fate, you, Mr. Experienced Worker and Browsing Interneter, have stumbled upon this vestige of nerdity and find yourself an ideal candidate for this job, do remember your Chicago-residing friend, Bradley Woodrum.

***

Cleveland Indians — too many positions to enumerate
Among the many jobs posted on the Cleveland Indian’s site, the one with most interest to the bespectacled and hardly-pubescent readers of NotGraphs is the Sports and Entertainment Internship Fair, coming this September 22nd.

Highlights of the $30 event: (1) sports teams from the Cleveland/Ohio areas, hungrily looking for high quality interns, (2) a keynote address from Indians’ president Mark Shapiro, and (3) a live viewing of the Indians of Cleveland against the White Stockings of Chicago’s Bridgeport neighborhood.

***

Detroit Tigers — System/LAN Administrator
Ah, now here’s an opening that screams: “NotGraphs Readership! AHHH!!!”

Though the highly-technical position toes not mention it specifically, we at NotGraphs presume hosting Counter-Strike LAN parties counts as “Cisco certifications.”

***

Minnesota Twins — Internship Fair, Radio Broadcaster
The Twins are also having an internship akin to the Indians’, but this $25 affair comes with a hot dog, drank, and a Mariners-Twins game.

The pride of Minneapolis is also looking for a play-by-play broadcaster. Don’t kid yourself; you don’t have the eight years of play-by-play experience.

***

Oakland Athletics — Sales & Marketing Assistant
Wanna work with Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill? Too bad; this opening is in the sales and marketing department, not baseball operations. But, if you want to work long hours, tweeting and facebooking on behalf of the A’s, then this job opportunity has names such as your’s emblazon on it.

***

Texas Rangers — too many positions to enumerate
Among the Rangers’ job openings: (1) Seasonal Warehouse Associate (I’m thinking the warehouse in NBC’s The Office), Dallas Store Retail Associate (part-time job, hardly baseball-related), Security Officer (experience with full-automatic weapons recommended), Inside Sales Representative (bilingual and monolingual positions in which the individual must sew a telephone to the outer earlobe), Accounting Assistant (like an accountant, but one must imagine less self-loathing and soul-crushing), and Full Service Account Executive (wherein the almost-meaningless Job Speak term “motivated self-starter” finishes the posting with flair).




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Bradley writes for FanGraphs and The Hardball Times. Follow him on Twitter @BradleyWoodrum.


7 Responses to “Jobs In The MLB: AL Openings”

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  1. I’m actually going to that career fair.

    #shame

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Thelonious says:

    Ha! I really liked the ladder analogy and the bit about Cisco certs. Very funny.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. JoeIQ says:

    No! Punisher was an awesome movie.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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