Nickname Seeks Player: Tech Support

techsupport

I was having a bit of trouble with my PlayStation 4 last night. This prohibited me from playing MLB 14: The Show, a shame since my created pitcher — Pedro Pedroia — was using his 2-seamer/cutter/splitter combo to mow down AAA batters and was on the verge of a promotion. My wife is out of town so I was doing what most men do when the wife is out of town, eating shitty food and staying up too late. I mention this only to point out the fact that the PlayStation Super Help Now Hotline was closed at this hour, and I had to relegate myself to the PlayStation Type, Wait,  Repeat Online Chat Coldline. It took over an hour, and a lot of repeating of information, but Carlos V. was finally able to get my issue fixed.

During this process, I got to thinking. Almost everyone has someone who is their go-to person for technical issues. Maybe it’s a friend or sibling or coworker, but there’s a person who is just a quick text or email away to help with a laptop, phone, or gaming console. Those who don’t have a go-to are the go-to for everyone they know, damned to an eternity of free labor solely due to the fact that they can work a computer.

Do baseball teams have this? Certainly, every team employs a myriad of tech professionals, but I’m talking about the 25-man roster. Is there a guy in every clubhouse that gets bombarded with questions about iPads and smartphones and Xboxs? Who is Tech Support by day, baseballer by night?

I turn to you, dear NotGraphs reader, for suggestions. Which player seems to best fit the name Tech Support? While this type of exercise is usually an open forum, I do have one stipulation:

YOU CAN’T SAY ERIC SOGARD

That’s not even trying. Use your mind grapes. You can do this.




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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


65 Responses to “Nickname Seeks Player: Tech Support”

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  1. Well-Beered Englishman says:

    Joel Zumaya.

    +8 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. DavidJ says:

    Whoever was Jason Varitek’s backup . . . so, Doug Mirabelli, I guess?

    +56 Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. tz says:

    Willie Bloomquist.

    +8 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. IMW says:

    Colby Lewis. Always tells you the right way to do things.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. :syas ylduorp proudly says:

    Brian Harper

    +27 Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. dang says:

    If he wasn’t retired, it’d definitely be Roy Halladay.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. YABooble says:

    Melky Cabrera.

    +34 Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. steve says:

    Freddie Freeman. He’s got to be the nerdiest-looking guy on any field.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Bob says:

    Eric Sogard

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  10. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    Would this be the guy we’d call to assure that we can #KeepNotGraphs?

    #KeepNotGraphs

    +27 Vote -1 Vote +1

  11. Kris says:

    One of the japanese players if it was included in the posting fee. Otherwise, Manny Ramirez.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  12. #Keepnotgraphs says:

    Joe Kelly

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  13. joe says:

    Ross Ohlendorf

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  14. David says:

    Tyler Clippard. Game over.

    http://usatthebiglead.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/tyler-clippard.jpg?w=640

    …and as an 8th inning guy “tech support” is even sort of his baseball job as well!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  15. Rich Folkers says:

    Me.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  16. scatterbrian says:

    Should go to the reliever who vultures the most wins. They come in when you’re desperate, and while you’re not sure they did anything truly great the situation is better when they’re done.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • cass says:

      Tyler Clippard has also been known as The Vulture. He even vulture the ASG a couple years back by retiring no batters, allowing a hit, and still picking up the Win.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  17. scatterbrian says:

    Oh, and you should have been playing the Destiny beta…

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  18. jwp says:

    Current: Brandon McCarthy
    Past: Greg Maddux

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  19. A Quahog says:

    Pedro Pedroia

    #KeepNotGraphs

    +21 Vote -1 Vote +1

  20. Prince Fielder says:

    Gotta be me

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  21. yosoyfiesta says:

    NICK PUNTO

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  22. Connor says:

    #KeepNotGraphs

    +13 Vote -1 Vote +1

  23. Mike Green says:

    Jose Canseco.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  24. Jose says:

    Zack Greinke

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  25. Mac says:

    And for the nickname “Comcast Tech Support” I nominate Jim Johnson. Even the simplest of requests, like “Hey Jim, against the Astros don’t blow a 5 run lead” he fails at.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  26. Jason Schultz says:

    “Code”y Allen.

    And he’s an Indian.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  27. Ross says:

    Carlos Zambrano

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  28. Jeremy says:

    Vance Worley

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  29. Miles says:

    Any player who is purportedly helpful, but, in actuality, entirely useless and bemusing. Should also be generally friendly in a way that is not at all unique to this individual. Mark Kotsay. Lyle Overbay (2013-14 version). Darwin Barney. Clint Barmes.

    But the best answer is Tek support.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  30. Compton says:

    Dinesh Patel and Rinku Singh could collectively share the nickname.

    Sorry.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  31. The Human H says:

    Does it have to be a player? Joe Maddon will fix your cracked phone screen for $75.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  32. Guy says:

    Ichiro #KeepNotGraphs

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  33. BenRevereDoesSteroids says:

    Based on all the times I have ever called tech support, Rinku Singh should take this in a landslide.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  34. Billie Wombquist says:

    Corey Kluber

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  35. piratesbreak500 says:

    Dave Duncan, retired Cards pitching coach. He fixed a ton of pitchers.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  36. Chuckles says:

    B.J. Upton silently announced his career change from MLB player to MLB tech support once he donned his glasses.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  37. Double J says:

    I’d say Kyle Farnsworth, but is he still employed?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  38. David says:

    Eduardo Nunez

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  39. ettin says:

    Hector Santiago dominates Twitter.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  40. Jenstrom says:

    Jed Lowrie. He went to Stanford.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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