Nickname Seeks Player: Tech Support

techsupport

I was having a bit of trouble with my PlayStation 4 last night. This prohibited me from playing MLB 14: The Show, a shame since my created pitcher — Pedro Pedroia — was using his 2-seamer/cutter/splitter combo to mow down AAA batters and was on the verge of a promotion. My wife is out of town so I was doing what most men do when the wife is out of town, eating shitty food and staying up too late. I mention this only to point out the fact that the PlayStation Super Help Now Hotline was closed at this hour, and I had to relegate myself to the PlayStation Type, Wait,  Repeat Online Chat Coldline. It took over an hour, and a lot of repeating of information, but Carlos V. was finally able to get my issue fixed.

During this process, I got to thinking. Almost everyone has someone who is their go-to person for technical issues. Maybe it’s a friend or sibling or coworker, but there’s a person who is just a quick text or email away to help with a laptop, phone, or gaming console. Those who don’t have a go-to are the go-to for everyone they know, damned to an eternity of free labor solely due to the fact that they can work a computer.

Do baseball teams have this? Certainly, every team employs a myriad of tech professionals, but I’m talking about the 25-man roster. Is there a guy in every clubhouse that gets bombarded with questions about iPads and smartphones and Xboxs? Who is Tech Support by day, baseballer by night?

I turn to you, dear NotGraphs reader, for suggestions. Which player seems to best fit the name Tech Support? While this type of exercise is usually an open forum, I do have one stipulation:

YOU CAN’T SAY ERIC SOGARD

That’s not even trying. Use your mind grapes. You can do this.




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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


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Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
2 years 1 month ago

Joel Zumaya.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
2 years 1 month ago

Jeff Francoeur.

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
2 years 1 month ago

But probably actually Craig Breslow.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 1 month ago

Kent Tekulve

John Paschal
Member
2 years 1 month ago

Rance Mullliniks, Emeritus

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 1 month ago

Embarrassed that I forgot about Zumaya’s adventures when I first read your post. But mortified that I (a Red Sox die-hard) didn’t get the Tek-support pun the first time I got it.

Zumaya wins the non-pun category in my book. Though I’ll never think of Mirabelli as anyone but “Tek Support” from this point forward.

DavidJ
Member
DavidJ
2 years 1 month ago

Whoever was Jason Varitek’s backup . . . so, Doug Mirabelli, I guess?

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 1 month ago

Brilliant, FWIW.

Chico's Bail Bonds
Guest
Chico's Bail Bonds
2 years 1 month ago

Disagree. Nothing brilliant here, it’s subverting the entire notion of “nickname seeking player” and reducing it to no-so-clever wordplay. Friends don’t let friends vote for puns.

John Paschal
Member
2 years 1 month ago

+1

Juicy Plums, Fresh From Market
Guest
Juicy Plums, Fresh From Market
2 years 1 month ago

Can someone explain this?

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
2 years 1 month ago

It’s a pun.

Yirmiyahu
Member
2 years 1 month ago

Varitek’s nickname was ‘Tek. So: ‘Tek Support.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 1 month ago

As a lifelong Red Sox fan, I must shamefully admit that I missed the pun the first time I read it.

Into the penalty box of pink-hat posers I go…

Holland
Guest
Holland
2 years 1 month ago

Look son, I’m onto you.

Bill_TPA
Guest
2 years 1 month ago

Lew Ford.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 1 month ago

Willie Bloomquist.

IMW
Guest
IMW
2 years 1 month ago

Colby Lewis. Always tells you the right way to do things.

:syas ylduorp proudly
Guest
:syas ylduorp proudly
2 years 1 month ago

Brian Harper

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
2 years 1 month ago

Upvoted for username.

dang
Guest
dang
2 years 1 month ago

If he wasn’t retired, it’d definitely be Roy Halladay.

YABooble
Member
YABooble
2 years 1 month ago

Melky Cabrera.

Cabrera
Guest
Cabrera
2 years 1 month ago

Thank you, the fans.

steve
Guest
steve
2 years 1 month ago

Freddie Freeman. He’s got to be the nerdiest-looking guy on any field.

Bob
Guest
Bob
2 years 1 month ago

Eric Sogard

Iron
Guest
Iron
2 years 1 month ago
The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 1 month ago

Would this be the guy we’d call to assure that we can #KeepNotGraphs?

#KeepNotGraphs

Kris
Guest
Kris
2 years 1 month ago

One of the japanese players if it was included in the posting fee. Otherwise, Manny Ramirez.

#Keepnotgraphs
Guest
#Keepnotgraphs
2 years 1 month ago

Joe Kelly

joe
Guest
joe
2 years 1 month ago

Ross Ohlendorf

a eskpert
Guest
a eskpert
2 years 1 month ago

I thought I’d be the first.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 1 month ago

Good one.

Although Ohlendorf might better have the name “Chief Information Officer”

David
Guest
David
2 years 1 month ago

Tyler Clippard. Game over.

?w=640

…and as an 8th inning guy “tech support” is even sort of his baseball job as well!

Rich Folkers
Guest
Rich Folkers
2 years 1 month ago

Me.

scatterbrian
Guest
scatterbrian
2 years 1 month ago

Should go to the reliever who vultures the most wins. They come in when you’re desperate, and while you’re not sure they did anything truly great the situation is better when they’re done.

cass
Guest
cass
2 years 1 month ago

Tyler Clippard has also been known as The Vulture. He even vulture the ASG a couple years back by retiring no batters, allowing a hit, and still picking up the Win.

scatterbrian
Guest
scatterbrian
2 years 1 month ago

Oh, and you should have been playing the Destiny beta…

jwp
Member
jwp
2 years 1 month ago

Current: Brandon McCarthy
Past: Greg Maddux

A Quahog
Guest
A Quahog
2 years 1 month ago

Pedro Pedroia

#KeepNotGraphs

MustBunique
Member
Member
DoubleJ
Guest
DoubleJ
2 years 1 month ago
Prince Fielder
Guest
Prince Fielder
2 years 1 month ago

Gotta be me

yosoyfiesta
Member
yosoyfiesta
2 years 1 month ago

NICK PUNTO

Connor
Guest
Connor
2 years 1 month ago

#KeepNotGraphs

Mike Green
Guest
Mike Green
2 years 1 month ago

Jose Canseco.

Jose
Guest
Jose
2 years 1 month ago

Zack Greinke

Mac
Guest
2 years 1 month ago

And for the nickname “Comcast Tech Support” I nominate Jim Johnson. Even the simplest of requests, like “Hey Jim, against the Astros don’t blow a 5 run lead” he fails at.

Jason Schultz
Member
Jason Schultz
2 years 1 month ago

“Code”y Allen.

And he’s an Indian.

Bitter Beane
Member
Bitter Beane
2 years 1 month ago

Carlos Zambrano

Jeremy
Guest
Jeremy
2 years 1 month ago

Vance Worley

Miles
Guest
Miles
2 years 1 month ago

Any player who is purportedly helpful, but, in actuality, entirely useless and bemusing. Should also be generally friendly in a way that is not at all unique to this individual. Mark Kotsay. Lyle Overbay (2013-14 version). Darwin Barney. Clint Barmes.

But the best answer is Tek support.

tz
Guest
tz
2 years 1 month ago

Great definition.

Compton
Guest
Compton
2 years 1 month ago

Dinesh Patel and Rinku Singh could collectively share the nickname.

Sorry.

The Human H
Guest
2 years 1 month ago

Does it have to be a player? Joe Maddon will fix your cracked phone screen for $75.

Guy
Guest
Guy
2 years 1 month ago

Ichiro #KeepNotGraphs

BenRevereDoesSteroids
Member
BenRevereDoesSteroids
2 years 1 month ago

Based on all the times I have ever called tech support, Rinku Singh should take this in a landslide.

Billie Wombquist
Guest
Billie Wombquist
2 years 1 month ago

Corey Kluber

piratesbreak500
Guest
piratesbreak500
2 years 1 month ago

Dave Duncan, retired Cards pitching coach. He fixed a ton of pitchers.

Chuckles
Guest
Chuckles
2 years 1 month ago

B.J. Upton silently announced his career change from MLB player to MLB tech support once he donned his glasses.

Double J
Guest
Double J
2 years 1 month ago

I’d say Kyle Farnsworth, but is he still employed?

David
Member
Member
David
2 years 1 month ago

Eduardo Nunez

ettin
Guest
ettin
2 years 1 month ago

Hector Santiago dominates Twitter.

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom
2 years 1 month ago

Jed Lowrie. He went to Stanford.

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