On a small volcanic island, about 200 miles off the coast of somewhere or other, two teams played a game. Essentially, that game was baseball. But with elevated base paths. After he crosses the fourth base, some 40 feet above home plate, the runner would leap and grab onto a rope suspended between wooden pillars, and slide down, out over the ocean, and at the end of the rope, the player would leap into a rubber ring target.

The game we see in progress is between two teams called FanGraphs and NotGraphs. This is purely a coincidence and not related to the popular baseball-related Web sites with similar names. It’s the top of the 9th. FanGraphs are batting, and have already scored one run this inning, tying the game at 2-2. They have a runner on 3rd, and two outs.

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This should not be left to die in the comment thread on this morning’s post about Colby Rasmus, Enigma:

Big Jgke says:
August 27, 2014 at 9:40 am
As a Jays fan, what I’ll miss most when Colby gets his inevitable overpay from some other organization, is hearing his unintelligible southern drawl on local radio ads for shady car dealerships.

I can’t be the only person who went to look for this. (Indeed, when I reloaded the comments, I saw that I was not.)

Were they not allowed to say “Blue Jays” in the ad? “Toronto’s ballclub?” Really?

Major League Baseball Advanced Media CEO Bob Bowman told the Associated Press this week that some baseball fans may be able to stream local broadcasts to their desktops and mobile devices by as early as next season. LINK.

Q: Who?

A: Not you.

Q: Why not?

A: We don’t like you.

Q: But I’m a fan!

A: Not enough of a fan.

Q: What do you mean?

A: Real fans subscribe to cable.

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Why the author has chosen late August as the appropriate time to make a close inspection of the minor-league portion of the 2014 Tampa Bay Rays’ Media Guide — this is a reasonable question. One notes, however, that it’s a considerably less interesting one (i.e. question) than the four below, all of which pertain to a curious entry in the aforementioned media guide.

1. Who is Alien “Vroom-Vroom” Vazquez?
2. Is he really 6-foot-2 but only 100 pounds?
3. Is he really a left-throwing catcher?
4. Why does his name appear literally nowhere else literally one place else on the internet?

Alex Gordon says he will pick up his $13.25 million player option for 2016, delaying free agency for a year and, assuming he plays well next year, taking a risk that he’ll decline or get injured in 2016 and ultimately end up with a far smaller deal.

Of course no one can predict the future, but one would have to think that the smart money is on Gordon, now 30 years old, quite possibly being in a better position for a huge deal after 2015 than he would be after 2016. Nothing’s ever certain, but the odds would seem to lean that way, given the age-related decline risks in addition to injury possibilities, or, as Hopeless Joe might add, the risk the economy will collapse and the money to sign him disappearing into the cratering Dow Jones Industrial Average.

In any case… if Alex Gordon is serious about this decision, I have a few investment opportunities I’d like to pitch him:

1. Cotton candy futures. Sure, this cotton candy looks delicious now, all pink and cottony and sweet. Just imagine how good it’s going to be once it has a chance to develop and grow and mature. Alex can pay market price now and we’ll hold the cotton candy here, uh, in this child’s mouth, until it’s set for delivery in 2017.

2. Antarctic ice. It’s cold, it’s clear, penguins love it, and it’s not going anywhere! Pay now, use later. We’ll even throw in a cooler bag and a copy of “An Inconvenient Truth” on DVD. No– make that Laserdisc.

3. Subprime mortgage loans. This is obviously a no-brainer. I think we still have some left over from 2009, but let me check. The older they get, the better they are. Like cheese.

4. Speaking of cheese… I’ve got some wheels right here. Yes, they’re encumbered by a five-year no-sale clause, but after that restriction runs out, people will be lining up outside your door begging to take that cheese off your hands, or at least trying to get that cheese off your hands before you come near them.

5. Billy Butler. See, Alex, you’re not the only player on the Royals who will increase in value every year for the foreseeable future. Just think about Butler’s value now, compared to a few years ago. Invest now, before you can’t afford him any longer.

When I first saw the original photo posted by Erik Malinowski, I had but one thought; This is a situation in which I would like to take part.

And through the magic of photo-manipulation software, I was able to simulate such a scenario. Does this image encapsulate the feeling of actually being in said situation? It’s hard to say. I would not care for my head to be removed and shrunken in such a way, I can tell you that. But otherwise, this photo pleases me.

This has been Inserting Things Between Yasiel Puig and a Dog.

I donned my finest, most sultry workout clothes, braved the balmy Florida heat, and then promptly challenged you, dear NotGraphs reader, to be very not cynical, to fasten your not-cynical pants high upon your pale, voluptuous waist, and ice bucket yourself (if’n you’ve not already done so).

Here’s how it works:

Accept or Decline the Invitation
If you decline, you give the ALS Association — which fights Lou Gehrig’s disease — $100. You also must brand your forehead with a serif’d “i,” for “invalid” — as in: incapable of icing one’s forehead.

If you Challenge Accepted the challenge, then you hurl a bucket of ice upon your person and then you have the option to make a donation of your chosen value. I chose $15, which is approximately the equal 25 NotGraphs paychecks.

Bucket the Ice
Add water. Introduce the concoction to your head zone. Film this act for proofiness, and then share the proof in the comments here. Anyone who accepts (or previously accepted) and then shares the video in comments will have their video shared in a subsequent post.

If No One Accepts
Then maybe we NotGraphers are just too cynical and maybe we don’t deserve to have NotGraphs. This stupid challenge has already raised millions of dollars.

You have 24 hours!

(from the moment you read this)

Observations from My Own Bucketing
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Loyal reader Kris, in efforts to spare this blog from the Lethal Guillotine Of Fatal Death, has argued on these very electrified pages that NotGraphs should say yes — heck yes! — to a corporate sponsor, sort of a “Hallmark Presents Valerie Bertinelli in I Just Made a Movie For Hallmark: A Movie For Hallmark, Starring Valerie Bertinelli” type of thing, but with less Bertinelli. Well, OK.

But here’s the question: If NotGraphs were to accept a sponsor, what would that sponsor be? Before you answer, “ExtenZe Natural Male Enhancement,” please note that we here at NotGraphs prefer unnatural male enhancement, e.g., slamming our genitals on frozen polyester until serious swelling occurs.

In any event, let us begin by suggesting new names for née NotGraphs and then working backward, logically if not profoundly, to possible backers.

NutGraphs: Given our tendency to slam the aforementioned privates on the aforementioned polymers, it makes sense that the American Urological Association might penetrate the lucrative realm of stick-and-ball humor by entering an intimate corporate coupling. Pro: a longer-lasting supply of double-entendre comedy. Con: the Association might not want to cuddle.
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Dear Cubs Public Relations,

I have your next seventh-inning stretch singer here. All he requires for his appearance is three tickets to Chicago from California, a sippy cup of milk, and a hot dog (perhaps an adult soda for his handler). He might not start out perfectly, but hey, it’s not like Ozzy Osbourne knew any the lyrics to Take Me Out. And anyway, it’s all about the finish. This candidate finishes with gusto.

If you’d like to book this act, please contact our agent, Banknotes Harper, at the cc’ed address.

Thank you for your attention,

Eno Sarris

The Sporting News offers the awkwardly-headlined piece, “Astros slugger Chris Carter: The most 2014 player of 2014,” thanks to his prodigious amounts of home runs and strikeouts.

Which, of course, begs all sorts of questions. Like, who is the most 1995 player of 2014. (Jason Giambi? Latroy Hawkins? Derek Jeter?) Or who is the most 1914 player of 2014. (C.J. Wilson? You know, closest name to Woodrow Wilson…?) Or who is the most 350 BC player of 2014. (Alex Torres? Alexander the Great…?)

Or who is the most 1776 player of 2014, obviously Ben Revere, who has now been mentioned in posts I’ve written twice this week, which ties a record set by Andrew Cashner earlier in the season and means I’m required to draft Revere in at least one fantasy league next year. Great!

Who is your most ___ player of ___? (I ask, begging for commenters to help create content.)