Promotional Ideas Courtesy the Actual Ghost of Bill Veeck


Not unlike the astrophysicist whose ever-increasing intimacy with the universe only serves to convince him that it (i.e. that same universe) is the result of a thousand miracles, so too does the analytically inclined baseball writer, with every spreadsheet he populates with sexy data, become more resolute in his opinion that the game is designed to transcend reason.

Such being the case, I was less surprised than I might have otherwise been when, while working quietly in my study last night, I was visited by the ghost-specter of former and long-dead MLB executive Bill Veeck. After accepting a brandy, the noted jackanapes confessed that, while the afterlife offered myriad pleasures, he was frustrated by his inability to personally disrupt what he regarded as a “wave of conservatism” among modern baseball ownership. I will neither confirm nor deny that he directly cited and threatened bodily harm upon Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria and Jeffrey Loria’s gentleman’s tackle.

Sensing his angst, I offered — in return for the services that he’d rendered so hard when he was alive — I offered to serve as a vessel for Veeck, to transcribe for the giant and teeming readership of any ideas he might have at the ready with which to enliven a game that, occasionally, is prone to the forces of boundless and malevolent profiteering.

What follows are seven of those proposals.

Artisanal, Free-Range Baseball Night
Players are required to supply and make by hand all relevant equipment for a regulation baseball game, including (but not limited to): the baseball itself (crafted from the cow’s hide), all the bats (from fallen trees), and however many gloves as necessary (from other, different cows).

Birth Control Giveaway
The first twenty-thousand women between ages 16 and 49 in attendance receive a year’s supply of Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo.

Honkey Tonk Batting Practice
Veeck himself was unsure as to what precisely Honkey Tonk Batting Practice might entail, but was still convinced of its possible merits.

Knife Ball
Veeck’s words exactly on this matter: “One word: knife ball.”

Meet a Cuban
The first twenty-thousand fans in attendance are invited to meet a Cuban. Not, like, a real player on their team or anything; just whatever Cuban guy or guys happen to live in the relevant metropolitan area.

Night of Shining Armor
Every player wears a suit of plate armor, such as that utilized by soldiers during the Battle of San Romano, fought in 1432 between the troops of Florence and Siena.

Ten-Thousand Dollar Beer Night
Like Ten Cent Beer Night, except a lot more profitable.

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

8 Responses to “Promotional Ideas Courtesy the Actual Ghost of Bill Veeck”

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  1. Billy Zane says:

    Ten-Thousand Dollar Beer Night isn’t really all that far-fetched in some ballparks.

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  2. The Stranger says:

    Were you substitute the work of local craftspersons for the handicraft of the players themselves, Artisanal, Free-Range Baseball Night seems tantalizingly close to possible. I assume that all ballpark food and drink would be organic and locally sourced?

    Medieval Justice Night: Any baserunner caught stealing is branded.

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  3. MikeS says:

    “Meet a Cuban.” actually happens at The Cell. I once met Minnie Minoso on the concourse waiting out a rain delay. He is about 5′ tall now and wears a hat that says “only player to play in five decades.” He is a great guy, just don’t let him talk to your wife.

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  4. Craig Biggio says:

    I plan to wear my shining armor when I’m finally elected to the Hall of Fame.

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  5. Bronies imagine Night of Shining Armor a little bit different, click the name to see

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  6. Bryz says:

    Is “Meet a Cuban” like “Meet a Black Person?”

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