How to Identify Certain FanGraphs Authors at Tonight’s Meetup

Tonight (Friday), FanGraphs hosts a gathering at The Mead Hall in Cambridge, MA. With a view to helping readers identify the FanGraphs personnel in attendance, the present author has provided succinct descriptions of each below.

David Appelman, Founder
Wears necklace of human heads, each of which (i.e. each of which head) is wearing another, smaller necklace of human heads. Is generally not without a glistening lamb shank in one hand and still-beating human heart (perhaps yours?) in other. Has third hand, too — although best not to inquire about it.

Dave Cameron, Managing Editor
Most resembles — physically, vocally, and in terms of grasp over social niceties — robot HAL 9000 from Arthur C. Clarke’s Space Odyssey series. Wants nothing more than to discuss certain, unnamed organizational rankings post from 2010.

David Laurila, Boss of Q&A Series
Wears a muscle shirt at all times — not purposely, but only because every shirt, when sported by David Laurila, becomes a muscle shirt. Is probably also recording your conversation — not purposely, but because his mind is an audio recorder.

Bill Petti, Data Master
Is willing to take head out of spreadsheet once in a while, but not rest of body. Is close, personal friend — and would slice immediately anyone who besmirches name — of Brian Kenny.

Steve Slowinski, Library Editor
Has kind word for everyone, but refuses to put them together into phrases or sentences. As site’s resident librarian, is concerned with data management, but also is constantly asking everyone to be quiet — even in public.

Paul Swydan, Super Utility
Has multiple beards — only one of which, however, is visible while fully clothed. Uses bear hug as form of warm greeting and also as martial-art finishing move. Has encyclopedic knowledge, but refuses to divulge from what kind of encyclopedia.